Monday, March 06, 2006

Kiss Slowly, Love Deeply, Forgive Quickly

My ex-boyfriend came over last night to talk. It amazes me how awkward it is for us to hang out now, after three years together. The nature of the visit was kind of awkward in itself though, since he came over to talk about stuff between us.

When we broke up, I told him I couldn't be his friend, and I knew that he was really hurt by that. So later on, when I felt like I was ready, I decided that it was worth it to me to make the effort, since we'd been so much to each other for so long.

Apparently I wasn't as over it as I thought I was (or maybe I was just bitter about him finding someone new so inappropriately soon--mere weeks after we broke up), because I've been a bit of a smart-ass. A snide comment here, an allusion to his failures as a boyfriend there. I was still angry, and still hurting, and it showed. We only talked maybe once every week or two, but somehow each time I managed to say hurtful things to him, and he never even let me know I was out of line. One day, he freaked out at me, and suddenly we were fighting in text messages. What the fuck? I was blown away. He's very even-tempered, I can probably count the number of times he's gotten mad at me in three years on one hand. Suddenly he was ripping me a new asshole, and I hadn't even realized I was hurting him. Then I got pissed.

He knows me this well, and he didn't even let me know he was upset with me, so I could at least take notice and try to be more considerate? And fuck him anyway, if he wants to be my friend then part of that is acknowledging that he hurt me, and that it's just gonna take time to heal. Part of being a friend to me is trying to understand why I'm saying those things, and let me know that it's out of line, so that in an effort to be a friend to him I can stop.

Anyway, after said (junior-high maturity level) text message fight, we didn't speak for a few weeks. I ran into him very briefly the other night and knew that he was leaving town for a while, so last night I called and asked him if we could talk.

I feel better about some things, and some things still hurt. It will take a very long time for the sting to fade when I think of him loving somebody new (especially her, because she was a friend of ours. I had mistakenly perceived her as harmless). I have to come to terms with the fact that I am not as important to him as I once was, and never will be, just as he is not as important to me anymore.

On the other hand, something unexpected brought me great comfort. I said that I thought he treated her better than he had treated me for a long time, and he replied that he had learned a lot from mistakes he'd made with me. As much as I resent the idea of her getting more from him than I ever did, it meant a lot to me to know that he was acknowledging some level of responsibility for the deterioration of our relationship, and had learned from it. I care about him, and I want him to be happy. And if he can be happy with someone else because he's figured out how he fucked it up with me, then I'm happy for him.

What I'm learning here is that closure is gradual. I'm so much better now than I was three months ago, and I know that it's okay for it to still hurt. I gave far too much of my heart and my life to him to be able to walk away unscathed. But what brings me comfort is the knowledge that neither of us will ever regret the time that we spent together, and if we can learn from it and be better, stronger, happier people, then none of it was in vain.

His mom's still disappointed that we're not getting married. Just like me, I'm sure she'll find a way to move on.

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1 Old Comments:

How sad. But a lovely post, hon.

By Blogger Lee, at Tue Mar 07, 07:58:00 AM CST