Monday, May 08, 2006

serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can

Ya know, it occurs to me often how drastically different my life is now than it was six months ago. I'm so much stronger, happier, social, and self-confident now. Life changes so quickly. Five years ago, I had just gotten my driver's license and first car and was struggling to have as much freedom and independence as I could wrangle from my parents. Three years ago, I was just about to graduate from high school, excited about going off to college and giddy about my new boyfriend. From that point on, it gets hard to define, but I know that my life has significantly changed from how it was a year or six months ago in ways that are difficult to describe here. The difference is that I'm happy now. Sometime in the past three years, I became bitter, dependent, and dissatisfied. And now I'm happier than I have been since high school.

I know that it was a combination of factors that contributed to this change, both intrinsic and extrinsic. Some changes came about from decisions I made myself, some decisions were made for me without my consent. But what it boils down to is that there's one person I desperately want to share my progress with, and I'm not able to.

I've had to accept that no matter how long we were together, no matter how much he said he loved me, no matter how many times he told me he wanted to still be friends, the fact is that he doesn't really give a fuck what's going on in my life now. It hurts, and I certainly still care about how he's doing. And whether I think he's right or fair is irrelevant.

I don't claim to be a Christian at all, but the Serenity Prayer seems appropriate here. And someday it won't matter to me whether he ever calls to see how I'm doing. But ya know, it's only been six months, and someone once told me it takes half the time you were together to really be over it. I think I'm doing extremely well for being six months out of a three year relationship. I'm happy now, on my own, and I'm proud of myself. I don't need him to acknowledge me to know that I'm an amazing person.

I cannot change him; I can change me.

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