Friday, July 07, 2006

unwilling

Now I remember why I stopped.

I used to be the kind of girl who thought too much, liked too much, cared too much. I fell fast and hard, and wasn’t all that picky. It was usually the guys who were more reserved and wary of commitment. Now, things are different. The tables seem to have turned.

I’ve had my fill of hasty beginnings and dead end relationships. I’m tired of it. I gave too much of myself for too long and saw it all go to waste.

I want something real. I want something genuine, not contrived out of loneliness. I want a guy who wants me because he’s taken the time to get to know me, because there’s nothing better than being known and loved. I want someone who gets me, and I’m willing to wait.

These guys, I don’t know where they come from. Maybe they see me as a challenge, or maybe they’re just lonely, but they freak me out. One date, that’s usually all it takes, and it’s all, “I miss you, can I come over?”

Dude, you don’t know me at all. How can you possibly miss me? And I’ve got plans. Is that harsh?

You don’t know what makes me laugh, or what my favorite things are, or how I like to be touched. And please don’t ask me if I miss you, because of course I don’t, and I won’t lie to make you feel good. I don’t know you. I can’t possibly know you. Talk to me like you’re not trying to fuck me, listen to me when I speak, act like you care about who I am as a person, and not the quality of my blow jobs, and maybe I’ll grow to care for you, and when I miss you, I’ll tell you. Trust me.

It’s not nearly as much fun to fuck with this guy as I thought it would be, because it turns out he’s just like so many other guys I’ve dated. Whether it’s a good fuck or a girlfriend he’s after, the point is that I don’t matter at all in this situation. I could be any girl who’s willing to give him the time of day. He wants to see me all the time, he’s always texting, calling, saying he misses me, but he doesn’t listen to a word I say. He thinks I’m beautiful, and not a word I fucking say matters to him.

These guys, they try so hard to be nice to me, and I just feel cheap. It seems so superficial. Learn my value first, and then shower me with affection. Am I demanding too much?

The right guy's out there somewhere, and I don't mind waiting a bit.

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