Sunday, June 25, 2006

i think too much, and write it all down

I know he's a bad idea.

I know that he's not ready, and that he'd hurt me no matter how hard he tried. And I know that there's an importance surrounding my feelings for him that I haven't experienced in years. I know that given the chance, I'd hold on and never let go.

I've been working on rebuilding myself, picking up the ruins of a relationship I thought would last forever. I told myself I was wrong, and that I was better off without him, repaired my broken heart and made a happy life with my newfound freedom. I told myself I'd never let anyone hold me back again.

And now I've got all these feelings for someone new, these feelings that push me to make plans and give of myself and trust someone I know cannot be trusted. I've got all these mixed emotions, and so far my sexual desire and emotional needs seem to be overriding common sense.

All these other guys I've dated...I've had no problem keeping them at a comfortable distance. Not a single one could coerce me into something as restrictive as exclusivity, now suddenly I've lost all interest in playing the field.

The part that scares me the most is that the single life has never really been me, at least not long term. I've always craved companionship, mutual respect and affection. I worry that perhaps this independence I've built is just a front designed to protect myself, and that giving it all up will really be nothing more than coming to terms with the girl I was all along.

He won't let me love him anyway. He's just a friend.


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