Sunday, May 28, 2006

Cruel Summer

This college town's gotten empty and I'm in a funk.

I suck when I get lonely. The independence and self-assurance I usually pride myself on vanishes and I regress to old habits of stagnation and vulnerability. Perhaps this is just a normal human reaction, or perhaps its evidence that everything I'm proud of changing about myself is nothing but a farce.

All my friends go home for the summer, and I start laying around all day and craving a man to make me happy. Not gonna happen. No man will ever make me happy. No no no. And the moment I start believing that that's a possibility is the moment I kiss any chance at true happiness good bye. Happiness is about making a decision to be happy, and it comes from within. No one and no thing can bring me out of a funk, I have to pull myself out.

So what do I do now? I am a social person by nature, but when I get like this I tend to withdraw, only finding satisfaction in mass media and sexual activity. Get up early tomorrow, do some laundry, walk the lakes, force myself to be social for lunch, then what? There's only one person I feel like spending time with right now, a charming young buck who's coming real close to warranting exclusivity, but I fear the whole dependence/vulnerability thing is turning me into a clinger.

I've fallen off the wagon, and I'm stumbling in the dark to find my way back up. I fear that this is the beginning of a long two months.

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