Tuesday, August 22, 2006


Have you ever dated someone who you found to be almost uncomfortably attractive? Like, every time you look at him, you think, "Oh my God, he is so hott," kind of attractive. Like, that guy in high school kind of attractive. Not the asshole hott guy from high school, but the one who starred on the basketball team and dated all the popular girls and was still just so nice. The kind of guy I would've drooled over, but who would have totally thought of me as just a random girl.

I'm trying not to get too caught up in the whole, "you were popular, I was not," kind of mindset, because it's just not healthy. I'm working to shake the self-identity that was ingrained in me through years of Gifted classes, vision impairment, frizzy hair and friends in ROTC. He doesn't seem to pay any mind to the divergent social strata we hail from. I guess it's easier to disregard when you were always near the top.

High school's over, we're grown-ups now. It's just strange to me to wonder if six years ago, he would have looked at me twice. You spend most of high school trying to figure out who you are, and he and I were most certainly different people. I've never placed much value on looks; I spent three years with someone who had a nose so big his friends called him "Gonzo." But I loved him, it didn't matter. I've dated hott guys, not so hott guys, regular guys, whatever. I've just never had a guy like this fall in love with me before. I keep wondering if he thinks of me the same way I thought of my ex...If he thinks he's better looking, and just doesn't care. That's not how I want it to be. I don't want to be the lucky one. I don't think he feels that way, I'm sure my mind is just getting all paranoid and self-destructive, filling my head with self-doubt and reviving a negative body image I thought I'd left behind long ago. I have to let go of this fixation with adolescent social dynamics, because it's no longer relevant. He's hott, he's nice, he's smart. I'm happy, and I'm just gonna revel in it.


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