Tuesday, October 10, 2006

because I tend to obsess about my future

Clearblue Easy tells me I'm not pregnant, so all is right in the world. Of course, everything in my body decided to get back on normal schedule about two hours after I took the test. I never thought I'd be so relieved to have cramps. I think it was just stress, thank you for your supportive comments. And Megan has a very good point about the immaculate conception thing. I'll have to ponder on that for a bit.

On a vaguely related note, I've been thinking a lot, again, about where I want to be next year. I go back and forth between going out of state or staying here. I'll make up my mind to go, and then a few weeks later, I start having doubts again. When I thought I could be pregnant, I figured I would just take a year off and then go to LSU for my master's, and the idea of sticking around didn't seem bad at all, with the whole baby thing. And this just gets me thinking, that sometime in the next five years or so, I probably will want to start a family, and the idea of doing it several states away from my mom, sister, aunts and cousins is terrifying, at the very least. I know that wherever I go to grad school is likely to be where I end up staying. If I don't leave now, I never will, and if I leave, I'll never come back.

Another point that my mother made, is that the social services industry is booming in Louisiana right now, thanks to Katrina, and my prospects for future employment here would be very good. I'm fairly close with my family, especially my sister, and I think I could be happy here. I think my kids would be happier having aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins all within a reasonable distance. And if I stay in Louisiana, it doesn't really matter if I got both of my degrees from the same school, because LSU is so trusted in the area.

I'm just not sure if I'm actually making the decision that's right for me, or if I'm rationalizing a decision to stay because I'm scared. Is it really the food, the culture, my family, that I want to stay for? Is it really Mardi Gras and crawfish boils and birthday parties at Grandma's, or is it just comfort, stagnation, fear of change? Am I staying because this is the place that's right for me, or because I've never been anywhere else?

“…because she is a New Orleans girl and New Orleans girls never live anywhere else and even if they do, they always come back…To hell with no house, no car, no job, no prospects. This is where she belonged. And her mama lives here. End of discussion.”
-Chris Rose, columnist, Times-Picayune

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