Monday, April 23, 2007

on emotional well-being and relative accumulation of wealth

I have what may seem to some an unhealthy obsession with economic prosperity. This is a problem in that I have no money, have never had money, and, in all likelihood, will never have much money, and yet, I spend a significant amount of time each day pondering how badly I want to have a filthy amount of money.

Seeing someone my age drive around in a Mercedes literally ruins my mood. It really just kills me that they're rich and I'm not. I work hard, I study hard, I've got an assload of experience in my field and a commitment to changing the world, but I feel like I'm never going to get ahead unless I marry rich or win the lottery.

So, to make myself feel more affluent, I spend a lot of money I either barely have or don't have at all. I have this irrational sense that someday I'm gonna be livin' large, despite the fact that my career path, while noble and rewarding, will barely allow me to pay off my student loans.

I guess I could have gone pre-med, but I'd probably end up working in some community clinic for half my med school tuition anyway. I could have majored in finance or investment banking or something like that, but I'm pretty sure I'd be miserable. It seems that between my spending habits and my habitual attraction to career paths which will earn me absolutely no money (teacher, writer, social worker), I've doomed myself to a life of relative poverty.

I guess what it boils down to is that, subconsciously, I chose happiness over money. But right about now, it sure does seem like a big pile of money could bring me a great deal of happiness.


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