Wednesday, December 21, 2005

I got this

So, yesterday was an interesting day for me. I spent most of the daylight hours laying on the couch recuperating from a bad head cold and knitting the scarf I'm giving my sister for Christmas because I can't afford to actually buy her anything. I entertained myself by watching hours of reruns of Law & Order, my #1 favorite show of all time. That evening I checked my email to discover some fantastic news-- I've been tentatively offered a fantastic opportunity/promotion at work. It's tentative because the funding isn't definite yet (I work for a nonprofit), but it's an amazing opportunity and I'm honored because I really haven't been there very long at all (really only about 8 months). I'm very excited because I consider myself very lucky to have a job that I absolutely love, and this can only make it better. Most people my age are stuck in dead end jobs they hate just to pay for school, but I LOVE MY JOB!!! It's very rewarding and fulfilling, and I feel that I'm valued and appreciated by my employers. It doesn't even feel like work. I'm also very excited because this is a sort of leadership position, which means A) my supervisors must really trust my skills and abilities and B) this will help me to gain valuable leadership experience. It also pays more, which is a plus. Maybe next Christmas I'll actually be able to BUY people gifts (although I do really like homemade presents).

Another reason yesterday was noteworthy is that I went out with some friends and ended up hooking up with this guy that I've been casually seeing. I've since (as in this morning) decided that homeboy isn't really boyfriend material, which is good because I don't think he really wants to be one, but I definitely don't have any of that "OhMyGodICan'tBelieveIDidThat" stuff going on--perhaps because I was careful to stick to my guns about how far I'll go with a guy I'm not serious about. I just feel good because when I first became single again, I was like, "Oh my God, I haven't dated since I was in high school. I have no idea what I'm doing." I was really worried about finding my place within the norms and expectations of college dating. And I guess now I know that I've got this. I can handle it, and I can handle it well.

I'm off to battle the hordes of angry shoppers to get the few gifts I can actually afford to buy from a store. If I'm not back in a few hours, please send a search party. Wish me luck!!!

Monday, December 19, 2005

A Revelation of Self-Infatuation

We dated for three years, and about two months ago he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore. At first I felt shocked and hurt, and I didn't really believe it. I kept telling myself and my best friends that he was bound to come crawling back. But now, looking back, I'm actually glad that it's over, because I deserve so much more than that. I deserve somebody who loves me just as deeply and intensely as I love him, and we just didn't have that anymore. I feel so much happier now, because before I was spending every day feeling hurt that he wasn't nice to me anymore, feeling confused because it seemed like nothing was the same, trying so hard to make it work, not letting myself see that I wasn't happy. Without even realizing it, I had actually been dreading spending the rest of my life with somebody who made me so miserable. I feel so free now, because now I can move forward. The next time I fall in love, I won't settle for someone who's tolerably attractive and returns my phone calls; it'll be someone who earns me. And in the meantime, I'll enjoy falling in love with myself all over again. Because somewhere along the line I lost track of how wonderful I really am, and I think it's important for me to rediscover that.