Sunday, May 28, 2006

i feel like an alanis morissette song

I was hoping I'd awake today feeling less desolate, and instead found only a partial explanation (it's now obvious that some cyclical hormonal fluctuations are likely contributing to my languished demeanor). It's raining outside, to match my mood.

This is pathetic. Even a date for lunch didn't cheer me up. I ate my food, constantly wondering what time it was, how much longer it'd be before I could politely excuse myself. Dates and food are two of my favorite things, what the fuck is wrong with me? I hate feeling like this.

A friend of mine suggested the other night that perhaps I take a break from dating, he said it seems to be consuming my life. Is that true? And if so, do I see anything wrong with it?

My ex jumped into another relationship right after we broke up. I would give anything to not live right around the corner from him, to not see our old friends everwhere I go, to forget all about it. I feel almost as if I have to prove (to him, to our friends, to myself?) that I'm just as fabulous, desirable, and "over it" as he is despite the fact that he's got something shiny and new and I don't. This whole facade of being totally fine is so very exhausting, because I'm not. I'm okay, I'm moving on, and I'm generally very happy, but how can anyone expect me to be completely and totally over it six months later?

So I date all these guys, a slightly ridiculous amount of guys, in an effort to fill some void I'm not quite able to identify, and I tell myself that I'm living the good life. It's a precarious arrangement. Every time something starts to turn slightly more than casual, my balance is completely destroyed. I hold these guys at such a distance, and the moment I begin to let one get close, all of my nasty old habits begin rising to the surface.

Maybe I'm not ready for a new relationship, but what does ready really mean? Ready means I'm not fucked up over the last one anymore.

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1 Old Comments:

I read your post and I would love to be able to offer you wonderful advice on what you should do that makes you sit back and say "wow, things make sense now.", but I can't because really I am clueless. I am a commitment phobic ass who once accidentally laughed at the guy I was seeing because after two months of dating he started to tell me he loved me. It wasn't that I thought it was funny so much as I just didn't know what to do.
I don't know if it's just the time of year, but I feel lost too. Actually, I've felt lost for a while.. but I really like what you said in your last post about needing to create your own happiness and not rely on someone else for it. That's a very healthy way to approach things. I don't think other people should "make" us happy. I think we should already be happy and those people just add to our overall happiness.

By Blogger Megan, at Tue May 30, 03:21:00 AM CDT