Thursday, August 24, 2006

taller, darker, stronger, smarter, nicer, better

Once upon a time, someone who was not nearly as intelligent, motivated, physically attractive, or financially stable as I am dumped me. Someone whose idea of a step towards advancing his career is taking "time off" from school to work up the ranks of a quick-service restaurant chain. Someone who would rather be with a fellow college dropout food service junkie trying to find herself than someone who actually has a plan, and goals, and interests outside of chicken fingers and ecstacy. Someone who didn't know what he had right in front of him.

I contemplated revenge for some time. I had been fucked, in my opinion. I wasted three years of my life waiting for him to grow up, and all I got was a lesson and a heartache. He held on too long and moved on too soon, and somewhere in the middle managed to spend two years treating me like shit. I acknowledge responsibility for staying in the relationship long enough to let that happen. You live and you learn. Nevertheless, I was pissed.

After careful consideration, I decided that for me, the best revenge is living well, which in this case isn't hard. I'm right on track to accomplishing all the goals I've had all along. I picked up the pieces of my social life after our breakup and managed to branch out beyond our group of mutual friends rather successfully. I'm happier now than I had been for a long time before he broke my heart. When it comes down to it, he did me a favor. No matter how bad it got, I would have sat in a parasitic relationship until it ate me alive, rather than saying "peace the fuck out" and moving on with my life. He ended it for me, and I'm healthy now. Mostly.

What it comes down to is that the newest component of "living well" is the entry of a new man into my life. Someone who's many of the great things that he was, as well as all of the wonderful things that he most certainly wasn't. And you know, a lot of the reasons I think he's so much better don't matter at all when it comes down to it, like the fact that he's so irresistibly hott I'm seriously pinching myself. However, a lot of these things really do matter--like the fact that he's nice to me, and is actually graduating this semester, and doesn't consider recreational drug use a valid excuse to cancel plans with me. This is like Ari with the guy who put a promise on paper. Assholes condition you to be easily pleased.

As immature and vindictive as this is (yes, I'm aware. Baby steps here) I've been patiently awaiting the moment when I can somehow say to him, "Look. Look at how much better I am without you." And I'm ashamed of myself for thinking this, but I'm screaming on the inside, "Look at how much better I am than you and your nasty strung out girlfriend, who pretended to be my friend yet had no qualms about hooking up with you before our relationship was cold in its grave. Suck it bitches."

His roommate invited me to a party at their place tomorrow. I'm going, and I'm bringing my new guy. I'll introduce them, they'll shake hands, the ex will be polite and accomodating. His composure won't waver for even a moment. That's not the point. Somewhere between delusionally convincing myself that no matter what, he's gonna be freaking out on the inside, and the sheer personal satisfaction of showing off my new guy to his friends (the same friends who asked me why I stayed with such a loser for so long in the first place), I'm going to leave this party satisfied and vindicated. And I'm going to hell in a handbasket for my tenacious grip on this grudge.


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