Wednesday, July 19, 2006

I hope it's beautiful


Almost engaged. That's the word on the street. A ring has been picked out, cash is being accumulated, plans are being made. Eight months after he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore, and that despite my suspicions, she was just a friend, he's getting engaged.

Eight months later, I'm terrified of trusting myself to love again, and he's getting engaged. To her.

He was never good enough for me, and we both knew it. All of our friends knew it. By far, the most common comment regarding our breakup I've heard from his friends is, "We couldn't ever figure out why you were with him anyway." But I loved him. And now he's getting engaged.

I could have jumped headfirst into the next relationship that manifested itself, I could be making plans for a wedding myself. This is the South, I'm at my prime to make a bride. Throw a virginal frock on me, thrust a bouquet into my hands and shove me down the isle. Tell me that's what I need to be happy. It happens all the time. Eight months later, I'm single by choice. And he's getting engaged. Why am I wanting to justify my solitude?

I wanted to believe it was a rebound, it couldn't possibly last. I wanted to believe that he'd need more time than that to get over the years that we spent together before falling in love for real again. I guess I was wrong. I guess he's in love. I guess he'd moved on long before he ever told me.

I keep reminding myself that I'm better than that. They both work at Cane's for God's sake. He dropped out of school the same week he broke up with me, and she's been saying "I'm going back next semester," for two years. They roll every weekend.

But this isn't about them, or where their lives are going, because it's irrelevant. The point is that I've got plans, I've got shit to do, I've got a happy, successful life. I have people who love me and a bright future. I'm where I am now because I choose to be. I don't need him, I don't need a ring on my finger, and I don't need to dwell in the past.

It just would have been nice if he had taken a moment to get over me.

and every time you speak her name, does she know...


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