Thursday, February 22, 2007

you are so not significant in my misery anymore

Earlier tonight, as I sat on the steps outside my front door, I was smoking my pink cigarettes that I think are just so cool and it hit me, that you wouldn't have thought they were cool at all. You would have told me they were stupid.

You never stopped trying to make everyone else around you feel as small as you did, and it worked. You made me feel like nothing. I thought I was nothing. Only when you were gone, when you'd knocked me down until I was barely existent and then walked away, did I begin to learn just how big I really could be all on my own.

That's what this blog was really all about: figuring out who I'd forgotten to become while I was so wrapped up in you. I've gotten over my co-dependence now. I've got plans and backup plans and love and laughter in my life, but still something seems to be missing. I'm searching to find it. I think this is about more than any man or boy who has ever come and gone in my life, any family member or awkward adolescence or otherwise outwardly affected affliction. The more my future moves toward becoming my present, the less apparent the peaceful, happy satisfaction I'd put together for it seems to be. I guess it doesn't all come in a neat little package upon graduation.

So I'm working on it. I've got an appointment with my primary care tomorrow to ask for a little help from a prescription, and I signed up for a women's spirituality group that starts in a month. Maybe I'll even join Curves. I'm cutting back on my obligations. I've gotta trust that someone else will save the homeless kids. I need some "me" time.

What I'm trying to say is, as weird as it seems, I'm not blaming my problems on you anymore, and I think that means that I'm over you. My problems are all mine now, and all mine to fix.

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