Friday, January 05, 2007

no seriously, this really happened

Ya know, I was just thinking last night how nothing particularly noteworthy has happened in my life over the past few weeks, at least not anything I'm willing to put on the internet. And then, mere hours after my boring post was published, real disaster struck. The kind of thing that inspires nervous adolescents to whisper urban legends--sexual, painful, traumatizing, and most certainly worthy of placing on the internet.

It all started with a little trim in the shower. I must admit I'm responsible for the progression from scissors and a razor to lotion hair remover. I thought it would be more efficient, and as always, I disregarded the label as irrelevant and overrated. However, it seems I may have missed a few bits of important information on the label, mainly being the capitalized warnings to NOT RUB IN, and the caution against placing on any kind of genital area (come on, if they don't want you putting that stuff on the genitals, it's basically worthless). Next thing I know, Nick is screaming bloody murder, pushing me out of the way so he can get his balls under the water, and before long I'm on the phone with Poison Control: "Those products are generally very alkaline and should never be applied to that area [yeah, does me a lot of good now, bitch]. He probably has a chemical burn. You need to get him to an ER right away."

I stood in the bathroom door looking at him, still lying on his back in the shower, and knew that I would rather have my fingers dipped in acid than take him to the hospital for this. I could just imagine his mother, a nurse, demanding to know why I could be so stupid as to put lotion hair remover on her son's testicles. He was still carrying on about the excruciating pain he was in, and the aloe I'd tried applying had only worsened an already nightmarish scenario, so I decided to seek a second opinion. I went ahead and called the hospital, telling my story to various healthcare professionals until finally they put a doctor on the phone, who asked me several questions about the condition of the balls. Apparently I wasn't answering to Nick's satisfaction, because by then he'd mustered the courage to get out of the shower and grab the phone from my hand. The doctor said that since there was no blistering, swelling, or bleeding, just a lot of redness, he'd be okay in the long run, and he'd feel a lot better if he applied some vaseline to it.

And what have we learned from this tale, boys and girls? Don't apply beauty store chemical products to any area you'd be embarrassed to show your mom. You don't want to end up the guy bringing his balls into the emergency room.

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