Saturday, January 13, 2007

philanthropy and inner peace

I was talking with a friend tonight over martinis, and I started thinking that...from where I am now, I don't think I can ever go back.

I've come to think of my time and my money as political power--some small little bit of influence that I can use to enact change. I don't shop at Wal-Mart anymore--June 10, 2006, was my last monetary donation to Wal-Mart Stores, Inc.--I bring my business to locally owned establishments whenever I can, I bust my ass building a program to get homeless kids off the streets, and walk around the ghetto looking for them without a second thought. Even my job, the one that pays, is all about improving the lives of others.

But it certainly takes a toll. Imagine yourself trying to have an orgasm, but you just can't clear your fucking mind of wondering where those danged homeless kids are hanging out, and how to tell the difference between them and regular kids, and maybe you didn't do your best in that suicide call earlier today, and damnit you should have sent that email before you went to bed tonight, and are you sure you're not a bad person for still getting your prescriptions from Walgreen's since they're putting all the local guys out of business? And you still feel guilty for not helping the AIDS orphans in Africa.

I'm a firm believer in never doing nothing because I can only do a little. I will do what I can--all that I can--and leave the rest to other people to fix. I'm not dropping anything. I don't think I've taken on too much, I just need to work on using all of my potential, and part of that is knowing when to put it all to bed. So, what? No more work after 9pm? No more working on weekends? Time spent relaxing isn't really relaxed if my mind's still racing. I tell callers who are in caregiver roles how important it is to take care of yourself so that you can be there for others. Time to take my own advice.

I don't know what this post is really all about. I just know that I really can't orgasm the way I used to, and I really do struggle to shut my mind off at night. I don't think I should have to cease any of my activities to get back my sex life or my good night's sleep. And I'm all about problem solving, so I'm just gonna have to find a way around it--making sure "me" time really is about me. I started by ordering a second martini.


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